VALuptuous Diva’s Worst Date Ever

Saturday night will definitely go down as my worst date ever. Several divas have already heard the story and found it quite amusing… so I’m posting it for everyone’s enjoyment (or dismay.)

Wayne and I had been chatting for a couple of weeks when I finally decided to take him up on one of his offers to go out. We decided that we would meet in Brier Creek for dinner and a movie at 6:00 on Saturday night. About 4:30, I got a call from Wayne asking if we could change our location to Northgate Mall in Durham. He said that he wanted to see the newly renovated theatre… plus they serve beer there. So I’m like ok, that’ll work. I had never been to Northgate before, so he gave me directions. We decided to meet a little later (7:30) and do dinner (Ruby Tuesday) and a late movie.

Wayne beat me to Ruby Tuesday and called to tell me he would be waiting inside. I walked in and started looking for him at a table or a booth. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone waving… it was Wayne. At the bar. So, I joined him. I ordered a beer after the bartender let me sit there for a good five minutes while she did nothing. She sucked. She also cut her hand while we were there… total moron. After ordering my drink, Wayne told me he wasn’t very hungry, but I could order something if I wanted to. I realized we were not going to eat dinner.

Strike 1, Wayne!

So, Wayne and I started chatting. As we talked he kept looking me up and down and talked to “the girls” several times. Talk about uncomfortable. I was making small talk, and this is how our first discussion went:

Wayne: “Did you have trouble finding the mall?
Valrie: “Not really. Once I got to the exit, I saw the mall and parked in the deck. Where did you park?”
Wayne: “My sister dropped me off.”
Valrie: “So, did you think you would be drinking so much that you wouldn’t be able to drive yourself home?”
Wayne: “No, I just don’t drink and drive.”
Valrie: “Wait, do you have your license?”
Wayne: (long pause)
Valrie: “You don’t, do you? What is it? A DWI?
Wayne: “Two.”

Strike 2, Wayne!

As we continued talking, I noticed that Wayne went to the restroom frequently. I started paying more attention to his eyes and whaddya know, his pupils were dilated. So, as Wayne went to the restroom for the fourth time, I struck up a conversation with the manager, the lousy bartender, and a random server. I was trying to get the scoop on Wayne. According to them, he is in there, at the bar, almost every Saturday night. He never comes in with anyone; apparently, I was the first. Oh, lucky me.

When he returned, he asked for the bill. He paid with cash and yes… went to the restroom again. I looked at the bill to make sure he was tipping appropriately and realized he had only two beers at the restaurant. So, to get pupils like that, Wayne had to have started drinking well before his sister dropped him off.

Our next discussion went like this:

Wayne: “Let’s get out of here. We have about an hour until the movie. I want to take you to this bar called Charlie’s. It’s on the Franklin Street of Durham.”
Valrie: “What? Can we walk there?”
Wayne: “No, you can drive or we can take a cab.”
Valrie: “Ummm, NO. We can walk around the mall for awhile.”

So we walked around the mall. During our walk, he constantly tried to get closer to me… (Ya’ll all know how I am about physical contact, especially in public.) He complained, “So I can’t even hold your hand or get a kiss?” I reminded Wayne that we had just met and that he wouldn’t be touching or kissing me that night.

We had about 40 minutes to kill before the movie started, so I suggested that we go ahead to the theatre (the mall was closing) and get our tickets, seats, etc. When we got to the theatre, Wayne started to whine about not wanting to sit around for 40 minutes. He wanted us to walk over to Tripp’s across the street. I got a little pissy because it was cold outside, and quite frankly, I was irritated by the entire situation. I finally conceded to walk to Tripp’s with him, but I made him buy the tickets before we went. The last thing I wanted was to get stuck at the bar at Tripp’s with this drunkard.

While at Tripp’s, I sipped on a Diet Coke while he drank another beer (the tall one–of course).

Discussion three:

Wayne: “So, I have a question for you.”
Valrie: “Okay…”
Wayne: “Are you on birth control?”
Valrie: (I think my jaw hit the bar at this point.) “Excuse me? That is none of your business! Is that something you normally ask on a first date?”
Wayne: (silence)

Strike three, Wayne!

I stood up, started putting on my scarf and coat and said, “The movie starts in ten minutes. Finish your beer if you are coming.”

Wayne finished his beer, and we headed back to the theatre.

Oh… the story is far from over.

As we walked back across the street, we heard a couple arguing on the side of the movie theatre—arguing to the point where I was concerned for the safety and well-being of the woman. I told Wayne he should go over there and help. (If he would’ve gone over there, he would’ve gotten his ass kicked… or shot.) He said, “Hell, no. I’m not getting involved. They’re just arguing.”

As we approached the front of the theatre, I let him know I was going to go talk to the four police officers (sitting around with nothing to do) about the situation on the side of the building. Wayne rolled his eyes at me as I walked away from him. As I came up to the group of officers, a Mexican man was already there telling them about the situation on the side of the building. The officers were not really taking him seriously, so I interrupted and said, “One of y’all needs to go over there and deal with the couple on the side of the theatre.” No sooner had the words left my mouth, they had the sirens on and were gone. I was glad that the cops responded, but it made me really mad that they were not listening to the man there before me. It took me, a nicely dressed white girl, for them to move their asses!

When I rejoined Wayne, he was still rolling his eyes. I explained that I would rather the cops check on the couple and not be needed than for the cops to do nothing and something worse happen. ”You did the right thing,” he said unconvincingly.

We FINALLY got to sit down and watch the movie. I thought, “How bad can this be, anyway? We’ll just be sitting there…We won’t have to talk….”

As we walked into the theatre to find seats, Wayne reached behind me like he was going to put his arm around my waist. Then I felt is hand going up the back of my shirt. I whipped around, and he’s lucky my hands were full because otherwise, he would’ve lost his right arm. The previews were on, and I sternly said, “No, that is not okay. That is unacceptable. No, SIR!”

I continued in, and Wayne wanted to sit on the front row. I didn’t. Even though I hate sitting in the front, we compromised and sat in the third row. I sat on his left side, but of course he wanted to sit on the left, so we switched seats. Now, remember, Wayne can’t go for 20 minutes without going to the restroom, so now he has to pass in front of me each time he has to go to get to the door. The first time he got up to go was during the previews. At this point, I was praying… “Please, God, don’t let him come back. I am perfectly happy watching this movie all by myself.” No such luck… Frankly, I was concerned he was going to beg me to take him home, and that would cause a scene when I put his ass in a cab. Halfway through the movie, he came back from his fourth restroom trip and announced that his sister called and was outside to pick him up. I have no doubt in my mind that this was a lie, but I said, “I totally understand that you have to go with your ride. Don’t worry about it. You aren’t enjoying the movie anyway. I’ll see you later.” He wanted me to tell him that I’d take him home! Ha! So he left, and I sat there for the remainder of the movie… relieved!

As soon as I left the theatre, I called Iron Duke Diva and told her my story. We laughed as I drove home, and I promised to add this to our collection of “You won’t believe what happened to me this weekend” stories!

Now, fast-forward to Sunday afternoon – Wayne and I had a text exchange that went something like this:

Wayne: How did the movie end?
Valrie: I guess you’ll never know.
Wayne: Do you want to go out again?
Valrie: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Wayne: Can I have one more chance?
Valrie: I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Wayne: I always give my worst impression first to see if a girl will stick around.
Valrie: (I pulled a Dr. Phil response!) And, how’s that workin’ for you?
Wayne: I feel that it weeds them out.
Valrie: Well, good luck with that.
Wayne: Fine, then. Be that way.

And Wayne is OUT!

Stay tuned for my next story…

What do Valentine’s Day, Jamie, and Will Ferrell have in common? Stay tuned to find out!